Why?
by Tigeroo
Summary: After the events in 'Lead', Olivia wants to know why Alex never called.


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, well except for all typos and mistakes.

Spoilers up to Season 10 (Lead).

A slightly longer fic after my recent drabble explosion. Feedback is most appreciated!

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**Why**

"Why, Alex, why didn't we even rate a phone call?", Olivia asked the Bureau Chief, whose office she had just entered. "And don't give me that bullshit about 'remembering how you were shot'. That might fool Elliot, but I know that would never keep you from seeing us."

Alex shot the detective a disdainful look over the rim of her glasses.

"You have a lot of nerve, detective. Last time I checked, I didn't owe you anything, least of all an explanation", she spat.

"What's that supposed to mean?", Olivia asked, shocked at the venom in the usually polite voice.

"That means, that since YOU were the reason I didn't contact the squad, I fail to see how I need to explain myself to you", the lawyer retorted.

Olivia felt like an iron fist was crushing all of the air out of her lungs.

"Me?", she finally whispered. "I was the reason you didn't call us? Why?"

Alex laughed bitterly. "You need to ask? I figured after our last meeting that would be pretty obvious."

–

_They were alone. Finally. No Hammond, no Elliot, no Casey. Just the two of them, in a hotel room, during a trial that had attracted a ghost from the past._

"_You want something from the mini-bar?", Olivia asked, pouring herself a Whiskey._

_Alex shook her head. _

"_No", she whispered, hugging the detective from behind, and nuzzling the delicate neck, reveling in the long forgotten smell of leather, sweat, shampoo, and something uniquely Olivia. "I have everything I want right here."_

_She was surprised to feel the woman in her arms stiffening, then slowly turning around._

"_Alex", Olivia whispered, a great sadness in her soulful brown eyes. "I can't..."_

"_What do you mean, you can't?", Alex asked confused. Olivia had never rejected her, they had been together for over a year before she had left for Witness Protection. _

_Then realization hit her. "You moved on?", she whispered. Not a question._

_Olivia looked pained. "I could never move on. I will never forget you, and I will never give up hope that maybe one day you'll return for good. But it has been two years. I could never be sure you would return, and so, yes, I've met someone. She's not you, and she never could be, but I like her. She's good for me. She trusts me. I won't break that trust."_

_The former ADA stepped back. "Who?"_

_The brunette threw her a pleading look. "Please Al, it doesn't matter."_

"_Well she must be someone, if you are rejecting me for her", the blonde replied, shock wearing off, ready to be replaced by anger. "Oh my god, I know her. That's why you don't want to tell me."_

_The guilty look in Olivia's eyes told her everything she needed to know._

"_No way, you are kidding me! Please tell me it's Serena, or one of the detectives from the 2-7. Please tell me it's anyone who is not Casey Novak!"_

_Silence... Olivia's silence was all the confirmation Alex needed. Blue eyes flashed. _

"_Oh fricking fantastic. You nailed my replacement. In some twisted way that might be flattering, but honestly, couldn't you have picked anyone else? Like someone who did not take over my job and obviously my life? Whatever happened to these nice random strangers in a bar?", the blonde exclaimed, bitterness seeping into her voice._

"_Been there, done that...", the other woman scoffed defensively._

"_And you were so good at it...", Alex snarled, lashing out in order to keep herself from breaking down completely._

"_What did you want me to do? Stay alone for the rest of my life? As if you have... A claims adjuster? Really?", Olivia finally snapped, her guilt and confusion taking over. _

_She had wanted to wait for Alex, but she had been so horribly alone. At the beginning she disliked their new ADA, hated her for replacing her blond lover, but somehow Casey had managed to worm her way into the detective's heart. Dinner and softball gatherings had turned into long conversations and finally into desperate sex after one of their most trying cases._

_Alex suddenly felt empty. "Nothing, Olivia."_

_She knew she was being unfair. Of course, she wanted Olivia to be happy. But she had wanted her to be happy with Alex herself. Now that this possibility had been destroyed, she didn't know how to accept that someone else had taken her place._

"_I just... I think I need to be alone right now..."_

_The brown eyes pleaded with her, asking the attorney to let her stay, if only as a friend, to spend the little time they had together enjoying each other's company. But Alex couldn't. The pain was too fresh. Being close to the other woman, without being allowed to be as close as she wanted just wasn't an option. So she opened the door and only after the detective had left, she allowed the tears to flow._

–

Alex shook her head, trying to shake off the memories that were trying to overwhelm her. She had cried herself to sleep that night. There had been no further personal exchanges with the detective and in some way Alex had been relieved when Hammond had whisked her away without a chance to say goodbye.

The look on Olivia's face told her that the detective remembered their last encounter as well, but she looked like a lost little puppy.

Alex sighed. She could never stay mad at that miserable expression in the other woman's eyes.

"Liv, I wanted to call you, believe me, but I couldn't face you, knowing that someone else had taken my place. I guess Casey is nice enough, but when I came back she had taken everything that has ever mattered to me. My job, my place with the squad, my place in your life and your bedroom. Things were hard enough as it was, I didn't need a constant reminder", she finally explained, her voice no longer cold.

Olivia swallowed hard. "Alex, if I had known you were back to stay, I would have left Casey the minute you told me you still loved me."

Blue eyes brimmed with tears. "Don't you see Liv? As much as I despised Casey for what she took from me, I couldn't do that to her. She was there for you when I couldn't be, and I know it would have torn you apart to choose. You love her, I knew it the second you rejected my touch. I hope you are happy. You both deserve it. I just didn't want to witness it."

Olivia's eyes locked with hers. "You are wrong Alex. There never was a choice. I always belonged to you, and Casey knew that. What we had was solid, a respite from the horrors at work, a warm body to come home to. Yes, a part of me loved her, but it was nothing compared to the rest of my heart which has always been yours. It was only one of the reasons why we didn't work out. After you came back, Casey broke up with me. Three months later you still hadn't contacted me, and I heard the rumours about your engagement. I knew it was too late. So Casey and I got back together, which lasted until she got herself disbarred. I wanted to be there for her, but she decided that it was time for her to move on. She said the job and our relationship had been all that had tied her to New York. She had lost her job, and she never really had me to begin with, so she left. Last time we spoke on the phone she was in DC, looking into other options and having an on and off affair with Abbie Carmichael."

This was one of the longest speeches Alex had ever heard from the detective, and definitely one of the most passionate.

"So you are not seeing anyone?", the Chief whispered.

Olivia blinked. She had just poured her heart out, and that was the part that had caught the counselor's attention?

"No, I'm not seeing anyone. But that doesn't change anything, does it?", she replied. They had lost six years, nothing would ever change that.

Alex stood up from her chair and walked around her desk to face the brunette.

"No Liv, this changes everything."

And with the softest of whispers, their lips met.

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Reviews? Yes please...


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